


I Still See You- Phan AU

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Pheels, Relationship(s), Schizophrenia, Some real sad shit yo, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6999817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil have been best friends since they were kids, they've always been there for each other. And even now, despite Dan's schizophrenia, Phil is still there for him. In the worst of times, Phil's love is the one things that can bring Dan back to reality and remind him of what is real and what isn't. Phil will never leave Dan, no matter what happens, and Dan will always see Phil, even if it's not real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

I sat at the table away from everyone else, my short legs swinging and my arm around my Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal. It was just before our kindergarten class would start for the day, and as usual I was sitting alone coloring. I would often hear the other kids calling me weird, because I would talk to my Pooh bear. It's not my fault that it's rude to ignore people when I was talked to.

I was humming to myself when he first came over. "Hi! I'm Phil, I'm new! Who are you? Why are you sitting all alone?" I looked up to see a tall boy with black hair looking at me. 

I looked back down. I didn't really like talking to people I didn't know. "I'm Dan." I muttered. "I'm sitting alone because everyone else thinks I'm weird."

"Oh." Phil said. "Why?"

"Because I talk to my Pooh bear."

"Does he talk back?"

I nodded. "Sometimes."

Phil waved to my bear. "Hi! I'm Phil." He waited a couple seconds. "Why isn't he answering?"

"I think I'm the only one who can hear him." I said, coloring a bit more.

Phil came and sat next to me. "Tell me if he answers, okay?" He picked up a crayon. "Do you want to be my friend, Dan? I don't have any friends yet."

I nodded. "Yeah."

 

I was eight years old when it first happened. I tugged on my mum's jacket. "Mum, why is that man standing in the middle of the road? We should go tell him to move so he doesn't get hit by a car."

My mum just looked at me. "Dan, what man?" I pointed to the street. "Right there! He's wearing a black jacket."

"There's no one there." I didn't want to argue, so I just kept walking, but then I saw a car coming, and I saw the man get hit.

"NO!" I screamed, starting to run towards the road. 

"Daniel! Come back!" My mum grabbed my hand before I could go far. I looked up at her and started crying. "Mum, the man got hit by a car! Why didn't we say something. He's dead, and it's all our fault."

I think that's when my mum knew something was wrong. Most people don't develop the symptoms of schizophrenia until they're older, but I was not one of those. It started young.

My mum at first thought I was pretending; I always spent time in my own make believe world. After it happened a couple more times, however, my mum knew something was wrong. She took me to a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed as schizophrenic. 

 

High school was hard. The hallucinations got worse, until I was finally put on a medication that calmed things down. I was constantly made fun of, but Phil was there through it all. When he asked me if I wanted to be his friend back in kindergarten, he really meant it. I had three friends in all of my school years: Phil, Chris, and PJ. They were always there to remind me that the voices I heard weren't real, to help me distinguish reality from hallucination.

Phil. I sometimes caught myself thinking about him, and I would always push it aside, telling myself that he was my bets friend, of course I thought about him. Then I realized that I saw Phil as more, and I eventually found out that he felt the same. 

Our first kiss was incredible, and it was the thing that started everything. We have been together since we were 16, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Chris and PJ went to a different university as Phil and I, but we all live in London now and I've made great, supportive friends here. Most importantly, I have Phil. My everything. As long as I have him, I know I'm going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dan? Dan, take a deep breath. It's not real, there's nothing there. You're going to be okay."

I was curled up in a ball, my head in my hands, trying to block out the things I was seeing. My biggest fears were all around me; creatures and monsters from all of the horror movies I watched when no one was around. My psychiatrist said that I shouldn't watch horror movies, and Phil always made sure I didn't. Except when he wasn't home- I would binge watch them.

I felt Phil's hand on my shoulder. "Dan, we're in the lounge in our apartment. It's sunny outside, we're the only people home. It's noon, in London. Come out and look around, if there's anything there, I'll protect you." Whenever I would see things, Phil always did this. He would remind me of all of the facts about my life. Where we were, who was there, even the weather and city if it was bad.

I slowly uncurled and looked around. I still saw what looked like a small black human-like creature in the corner. "Right there, Phil." I said pointing. Phil got up and went to the corner. "See? It's just me. Nothing to be afraid of."

He came back over to me and took my hand, helping me to stand up. He pulled me into a hug, because he knew that I always felt safe in his arms. "Are you watching horror movies when I'm out again?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Phil."

Phil sighed and pulled back, his arms still around my waist and looked me in the eyes. "Where are you even getting them? I got rid of mine."

"I download them from online."

"Dan! You have to stop watching them, it only makes things worse and you know that. Please, don't do this to yourself." He pulled me back in for a hug and I buried my head in his neck.

"I promise I won't again."

Later that night, Phil ordered pizza for us, and when I was sitting on our couch watching a film, Phil grabbed my laptop from the counter. "What're you doing?"

Phil looked up. "Putting a block on every movie download site. I'm sorry, Dan," he said when he saw me pouting at him. "It's for your own good. I just don't want to risk anything."

I went over and kissed his cheek from behind. "I know, Phil. But what if I want to watch another movie?"

"God, Dan, I don't know, maybe buy it legally?" I giggled and kissed his head. "Okay, if you insist I actually obey the law."

That night Phil came and cuddled with me, like he always did when I had a bad day. I intertwined our hands and looked at Phil's beautiful blue eyes. "I love you, Philly. I don't know what I would do without you."

"I love you, too, Dan. I don't know what you would do, either."

"Do you really love me, Phil? Even though I put you through so much."

Phil turned to face me. He kissed my forehead. "Despite any condition you may have." He kissed the tip of my nose. "You are perfect to me." He kissed my cheek. "You are my Danosaur." He kissed my lips. "And I love you more than you could ever imagine."

I fell asleep with Phil's arms around me and his words in my ears.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil and I sat in the waiting room of my psychiatrist's office, waiting for my appointment. Phil always came with me because he would talk to my psychiatrist, Lisa, about how things were going as he saw it. 

Lisa peeked her head out of the door that separated the waiting room from the hallway with the individual rooms. "Hey, Dan! Hey, Phil! How are you guys? Who's coming in first?" Phil stood up. "I'll come in first."

Phil and Lisa walked back to her office while I waited in the waiting room with another woman who's face obviously said, "I'm waiting on my kid." I picked up a magazine and read.

*Phil's POV*

I sat down on the chair across from Lisa's desk. "So, Phil, how are things going with Dan?"

I sighed, fiddling with my hands. "Dan had another episode yesterday."

"Oh? How bad?"

"Pretty bad. On a scale of one to ten, I'd say an eight."

Lisa looked concerned. "That bad? I thought it was getting better. Do you know what caused it?"

I nodded. "He's been watching horror movies again when I'm out of the apartment. He told me he got them offline, so I got on his laptop and blocked every movie downloading site I could think of. He was pretty mad."

Lisa laughed. "I'm sure! I'm glad you did that, though. He's lucky to have a boyfriend like you. Any other concerns?"

"Actually, yes. I'm going on holiday with my family in two weeks, and I'm scared for Dan. I've left him alone before, but not for this long- I'm leaving for a week and a half- and after yesterday, I'm just worried. I know I can call PJ, or Chris, or Louse to check in on him but they can't be there like I am."

Lisa nodded. "I understand your concern, but you do have to realize that Dan is an adult. Many schizophrenics are able to operate on their own. I know that your concern is out of love, Phil, but you need to trust that Daniel can take care of himself. I do think that it is wise to have some of your friends check up on him while you're gone."

We talked for a couple minutes before we walked out and Dan and I traded places. 

*Dan's POV*

"So, Dan, how are things going?"

I shifted uncomfortably in the chair I was sitting in. "I presume Phil told you about yesterday?"

"Yes."

"And about the horror movies?"

"Yes. Tell me, Dan, why do you think you watch horror movies?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I like them. And I think because people keep telling me not to watch them, it makes me want to watch them more. I hate being told not to do something."

Lisa smiled. "That's understandable. Most of us are like that. Are you taking your medication?"

"Um, yeah?" It came out as more of a question. 

"Daniel? Every day?"

I hung my head and muttered, "No. Not every day."

Lisa put her head in her hands. "We've talked about this! You have to take your medicine every day. Especially because Phil is going on holiday soon, you need to make sure that you do that."

"I'm kind of worried about that, actually. What if I have another hallucination when he's gone? I can handle the less intense ones, I mean, I still like having Phil there to help calm me, but I can handle it. But what about one like yesterday? It just worries me."

Lisa and I talked for a while, about my fears and what to do. When our time was up, we both got up and Lisa gave me a hug. "I'll see you next week, Dan. Have a good week."

We walked to the waiting room where Phil was sitting, and we both waved goodbye and walked towards the underground. 

"So, Dan, how'd it go?" Phil said, taking my hand in his. 

"Good. Lisa got onto me for not taking my meds every day."

Phil stopped walking and looked at me. "Daniel James Howell! How many times have I told you, you have to take care of that! Seriously, especially because I'm going on holiday soon."

I sighed. "I know, I know." I kissed him on the cheek. "I'll be okay, I promise."

The night before Phil left on holiday, we went out to a nice restaurant. Phil looked incredible in his blue button down with little hearts. I work a white button down with my leather jacket, and we walked hand in hand towards one of London's nicest restaurants.

We sat down at the table we had reserved and sipped wine, looking over the menu. Phil reached across the table to hold my hand, which was my favorite thing that he did when we were at a restaurant. A little girl at a table close to ours whispered- or tried to whisper- to her mother. "Mummy, why are those two men holding hands? Are they on a date?" Her mum shushed her. "Sometimes people do things that aren't right. Don't pay attention to it."

My heart always sank after hearing things like this. Sure, I was used to it, but it didn't make it any less hurtful. We were in love, what did it matter what our gender was? Phil sensed that I was upset. "Dan? What's wrong?"

I looked into Phil's calming eyes. "Why can't people be accepting?" Phil traced circles on my hand with his thumb. "Because they don't understand. Just ignore them, babe, they have no right to criticize."

We had a wonderful dinner and walked around for a a bit before returning home. When we came into the lounge, I took Phil by his waist and kissed him. "I love you, Philip Lester. I'm going to miss you while you're on holiday."

Phil smiled and kissed me back. "I'm going to miss you, too, Danny boy. Don't worry, though, it's only one week."

That night Phil slept with me and we cuddled for pretty much the entire night. When I woke up the next morning, Phil had already left. When I walked into the kitchen I saw that he had left me a note.

Good morning my Danosaur! As you know, I had to leave very early and I didn't want to wake you. I'll see you in a week and a half, love. Take your meds, don't watch scary movies. Love you more than words can say, -Philly

I read the note and smiled. "See you soon, Phil. Love you." I whispered to myself.


	4. Chapter 4

The next week and a half went by so slowly. I spent a lot of time with PJ, Chris, and Louise, but no matter how much I love my friends, they were no match for an afternoon with Phil.

"Wanna play a game of Mario Kart?" PJ asked, throwing over a controller. PJ was at my apartment, keeping my company until Phil came back that afternoon. I grabbed the Wii remote. "Oh yeah, but be prepared, Peej 'cause I'm gonna kick your ass."

PJ laughed. "Yeah? I'm gonna make you take that back, Danny boy!"

We played four races- I won every one. PJ finally threw his remote down in anger. "Come on, Dan! You're cheating, you must be. What's your secret?"

"Too much time on my hands and procrastination."

We both laughed and I pulled out my phone to see that I had gotten a text from Phil. "Hello, Danosaur, love. I'm about to get on the plane to come home to my beautiful boyfriend. I'll text you when I land. Love you."

I smiled and texted back. "I'm so excited to see you! I love you more, Philly ^^"

I had a good week. Only one hallucination, which wasn't too bad. Luckily Louise was with me, and she was able to help me calm down and come back to reality. I mean, I heard voices, but at this point I was so used to I just blocked them out most of the time. I remember when I couldn't do that, though....

We were 17, Phil and I, and we had been together for a year. I came into school wearing a hoodie, not unusual, except for why I was wearing it. We were sitting at our lunch table with Chris and PJ when my sleeve went up slightly. Phil grabbed my hand. "I have to go to the bathroom. Dan, come with me I hate the school bathrooms."

I followed him and when the door shut, Phil almost started crying. "Dan, why are you hurting yourself?" He pulled up my sleeves to reveal the red marks lining my arms. I could barely meet Phil's eyes. "They told me I was trash. That I would never be something in life."

"Who are they- oh." Phil knew about the voices I would hear. They almost always said something derogatory about myself. Phil took my hands in his. "Dan, you have to ignore them. You have to. How about when they start talking, you replace those voices with mine?"

Tears streamed down my cheeks. "I think I could try. But what would you say?" Phil kissed my forehead. "That you are beautiful. You are the most amazing person on this earth. You are creative. You are unique. That I love you. You are funny. That I love you."

I smiled through my tears. "You said 'I love you' twice."

"Well, yeah. My love for you can't be contained in only one I love you. So," he kissed my hand. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He kissed me on the lips, and I practically melted into him. Once our lips parted, he held me in an embrace until the bell rang for our next period....

After a couple more races, PJ said goodbye and went back home. I laid on the couch for a while, waiting for Phil's text to let me know that he was in London. He never texted, but at eight I heard the door close. "Dan! Dan! I'm home!"

I ran to meet him as he entered the lounge. I tackled him as I pulled him into a hug. "OH MY GOD PHIL I MISSED YOU!" Phil stumbled back, dropping his back and hugged me back. "I missed you, too, Dan!"

We kissed for a good minute before I let him go and put his bags in his room and start unpacking. I sat on his bed and listened to Phil talk all about his holiday, but all I could think about was how much I loved him and how much I had missed him.


	5. Chapter 5

At around ten that night, I heard a knock on our door. "Who in the hell is knocking our door this late?" I got up to go and answer the door and saw Chris, PJ, and Louise all standing there. 

"What are you guys doing here? Not that I don't want to see you, it's just late. Oh! You're here to say hello to Phil, aren't you?" I held open the door, inviting them in. "I'll go get Phil real quick, he's in his room."

Louise spoke first. "Actually, Dan, we wanted to talk to you- wait, Phil?"

I just looked at her. "Yeah, Phil. Like Philip Lester, black hair, blue eyes, beautiful smile." Louise, Chris, and PJ all gave each other a confused look. It was Chris who spoke first. "Did you say that Phil is in his room?"

Now I was confused. "Yeah, why wouldn't he be?" 

"Because, um, we heard about a plane crash...?" Chris asked. "In the news, it said that a flight coming back from Dublin- that's where Phil went, right?" I nodded. "Well, it said that a flight coming back from Dublin had crashed, leaving no survivors. We thought that was Phil's flight. What airline did Phil fly?"

"Uh, British Airways, I think."

PJ snapped his fingers. "Oh, that's right! The news report said Air France! Sorry to worry you, Dan, I could've sworn that Phil flew Air France. Well, I guess we'll be going now. I'm sure Phil has jet lag, so we'll see you guys later."

I said goodbye to them and went back upstairs. I couldn't shake the feeling, though, that they were hiding something. Probably nothing but me being paranoid. I went to Phil's room and saw that he had unpacked and was in his pyjamas.

"Who was it?" He asked. I sat on his bed, tracing the squares of his duvet with my finger. "It was PJ, Chris, and Louise. They thought that you're plane had crashed and you had died. I think they just misread the news report."

Phil came and sat next to me. "That must've been a pretty big misread if they thought I died. Hey, what's wrong, love?" 

My eyes had started to water and I was on the verge of tears. "I was so scared for a second, Phil. I thought that maybe you had died. I can't lose you, Phil." I hugged him and he let me cry onto his shoulder.

"Dan, I'm right here, do you see me? I'm real, don't you worry."

"Sometimes I never know. I can't trust my brain or what I see, and it scares me."

That night I slept in Phil's bed with him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and whispered reassuring things in my ear until I drifted off to sleep. "Don't worry, Dan. I'm here, I'm real, I love you." He repeated over and over.

The next morning I got a call from Lisa. "Dan? Do you think you could come in today at 1? Something came up and I'm going to be out on our normal meeting day."

I poured a cup of coffee with one hand and held the phone with the other. "Yeah, sure. I'll let Phil know."

"Actually, Dan, I just wanted to talk to you from now on. Don't worry, I already told Phil."

I put down the coffee. "Uh, okay. I'll see you at 1, Lisa."

I brought up coffee to Phil's room and shook him gently. "Philly? I brought you some coffee." His eyes fluttered open and he smiled at me. "Good morning, my Danosaur." He sat up and accepted the coffee from me.

"I'm going to see Lisa at 1 today. She said she told you she only wanted to see me from now on?" Phil nodded. "Yeah, she let me know."

We enjoyed our coffee and watched some anime together before I had to leave. "Um, Phil, do you think you could at least walk to Lisa's with me? I really don't like walking alone."

Phil got up and followed me out of the apartment, holding my hand while we walked. "I'm sorry I made you come with me, but you know how I can't go out in London by myself."

Phil smiled. "I know. I probably would have come anyways. I missed you while I was gone."

While Phil was gone, Louise would come with me to Lisa's. Something about walking the streets of London always triggered me. Not sure why.

When we arrived, Lisa was waiting for me. "Dan! So nice to see you. Thanks for coming so last minute."

"Yeah, no problem. I know you said that you didn't want Phil to come, but you know I don't like going out in London alone, so he just walked me over. I hope that's okay."

"Um, yeah, that's fine, of course!" Lisa said. "Hey, Phil." We walked to her office, talking about the past week and how I was doing.

"Things are going good." I said. "Only one hallucination while Phil was gone, and it wasn't too bad. I think not watching horror movies has helped." 

Lisa wrote something down. "Good, good. See, Dan, what have Phil and I told you?"

We talked for another half an hour before I left. Phil and I walked home, and the feeling I had last night came back. "Phil, do you have a weird feeling? Like people are looking at us weird?"

"Dan, I hate to say this, but we've always gotten weird looks. I don't see anything too unusual."

I shrugged. "Maybe I'm just being paranoid."


	6. Chapter 6

Phil was out for the day, so I had Chris over to hang out. We were playing Halo- well, more like Chris was shooting random stuff and screaming because I kept beating him. 

"God damn, Dan!" He screamed. "How are you so good?!" Chris finally threw down the Xbox controller in surrender. I laughed so hard, I was almost crying. Chris getting angry over video games was one the funniest things ever. 

"Because I have no life and no job and I spend my entire time playing video games." I said through my laughter.

"Oh. Yeah." Chris picked up the the controller. "Why do I forget that?"

"Chris, I have an idea I want to run by you. Phil's birthday is coming up in a week, so I was thinking that I take him out for a romantic night in London? Maybe go on the Eye, then to a nice restaurant and maybe to a movie? Is that too much, do you think?"

Chris thought for a second. "What restaurant?"

"That really nice Japanese one by the music store."

Chris nodded. "That sounds like it would be a great night, Dan! You know, you should run all of your ideas for stuff like this by me, Peej, or Louise, because we're just the most romantic people."

I laughed. "Whatever, Chris. You're right, though. I'm generally really bad at things like this, that's why I wanted a second opinion."

Chris got up. "Well, thanks for the fun afternoon, mate. I'd better get going because PJ and I have somewhere we need to be. See you later." I walked with Chris to the door and waved goodbye before collapsing on the sofa. I'm generally not the most social person, and spending time with people that weren't Phil seemed to exhaust me. 

I guess I had fallen asleep, because an hour later I was woken up by Phil's voice. "Babe? You asleep or just thinking?"

I stretched and rolled over on the sofa so I was facing the cushions. "I was asleep until you so rudely woke me up." I joked. 

Phil came over and sat on the edge of the sofa and played with my hair. "How're you doing? Did your afternoon with Chris drain you?"

I turned towards him and nodded. "Yeah. Do you want to watch a move or anime or something? Maybe My Neighbor Totoro? I've been wanting to watch it."

Phil nodded. "As long as it's not a scary movie." I got up and grabbed the movie from my room and put in. Phil and I cuddled during the movie, and at the end we sat on the sofa for a while longer. I turned to Phil. "I love you so much."

Phil smiled at me, his blue eyes sparkling. "I love you, too." 

I then kissed him, my hands tangled in his black hair, and he put his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. We stayed like this for a while, our lips against each others, savoring the moment. When we eventually broke apart, I pulled Phil down on top me of me on the sofa.

We laid there for a while longer, until we were both tired and just wanted to go to bed. I listened to Phil's breathing grow steady, with my arms around his waist, holding him close to me. I soon followed Phil into sleep.

I made reservations for us for Phil's birthday, but of course, I didn't tell him. On Phil's birthday, I carefully eased myself out of bed, careful not to disturb him. I stopped and looked at him for a bit, smiling to myself. He's so cute when he's asleep, I thought. He had a smile on his face, and his hair was messy and all over the place. His hand moved like he was looking for me, so I went over and put my pillow within his reach and watched as he cuddled with it. Yep, I have definitely been blessed with the most adorable boyfriend ever.

I went into the kitchen and made Phil's favorite: chocolate chip pancakes and coffee. I stacked six pancakes on a plate, and put the plate on a tray with Phil's coffee and utensils. I snuck back into my room and put the tray on my bedside table.

I shook Phil gently. "Happy birthday, Philly love. I made you a surprise." Phil slowly opened his eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning, Danny." He sat up and saw the tray. "Oh my God, you made this for me?"

I smiled and handed it to him and watched as he ate every pancake on there. "You're the best, Dan. I love you."

I got up to take the tray. "That's not anywhere near all I have planned. Be ready at four, and dress nice."

That evening I put on a black suit jacket with a white strip and a white shirt with a black tie. I went to knock on the bathroom door. "Phil, you ready?"

Phil answered by coming out of the bathroom, and he looked stunning. He was wearing a red and blue plaid suit jacket, a black bow tie, and a black shirt. I took his hand. "My God, Phil, you look incredible!"

Phil blushed and smiled. "So do you."

We walked to the underground and rode a train over to the cinema, where we saw a new movie we had both been wanting to see. Then we went to the restaurant.

Phil's mouth dropped when he saw where we were. "Dan, can we even afford this place?" I laughed. "Of course we can! I already checked prices to make sure." I said with a wink.

We went in and were shown to a table I had already made reservations at. I had the best sushi I had ever put in my mouth. Phil reached across the table for my hand. "Dan, I've had a wonderful birthday. Thank you so much for today." I smiled at my wonderful Philly. "It's not quite over yet. We're going on the Eye."

When we left the restaurant, we walked over and stood in line and watched the sun set. When we finally got on, I saw something.

I grabbed Phil's hand. "Phil, so you see that?" I pointed to what looked like a giant bird right outside of our capsule. It kept getting closer, and I saw it trying to break into the capsule.

"OH MY GOD, PHIL!" I sank to the floor, terrifying. I thought we were going to die. "PHIL!" I was screaming at this point. Phil crouched down beside me. "What is it? What do you see?" He was so calm.

"I-I see a very large black bird and it's trying to break the glass." I shrieked again as the glass crack. "The glass is cracking, Phil!" Phil put his arms around me. 

"It's not real, Dan. There's nothing, we're safe, the glass isn't breaking. We're on the London Eye, I'm with you, it's night and you've given me the most wonderful birthday. I'm here, it's okay, I won't let anything hurt you."

By the time we reached the bottom, I had calmed down, and I let Phil take my hand and help me stand up. We went home, and changed into pyjamas, falling onto my bed. I cried into Phil's chest. "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday, Phil. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Phil shushed me. "I had a wonderful day, you did more than I could've asked for you to do. It's okay, believe it or not, I like comforting you. It makes me feel like I'm doing something useful." When I continued crying, he stroked my hair. "I love you, it's okay, Dan. I love you."

He repeated that over and over until I drifted into sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

I reached out to take Phil's hand, but I passed through him. "Phil?" I asked, confused. Phil didn't speak, but just looked at me, his blue eyes seeming to pierce my soul. I tried to take Phil's hand over and over again, but I never could. He was like a ghost, my hand passing through thin air. "Phil?" Once again, he didn't answer. I walked towards him and noticed a light coming from the back of him, like a projection. I looked up and saw that I was right; a film projector was set up behind him. Phil pointed to the projector, and I went over, my hand hesitating over the "off" switch. Phil nodded, and I pressed the switch. Phil disappeared, and I screamed.

I woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. I sat up breathing heavily, tears streaming down my cheeks. Just a dream, just a dream I told myself. I turned on my phone to see the time: 2:44 A.M. Still shaking from my nightmare, I got up and went over to Phil's room. Phil usually sleeps with me, but not all of the time. 

I opened his door gently. "Philly?" I called out quietly. Phil rolled over and I saw his blue eyes staring at me in the dark. "Dan? What's wrong? Bad dream?" I think he could tell by my shaky voice. I didn't answer, but crawled into bed next to him. 

"What was the dream?"

I shook my head and buried my head in his chest. "I don't want to talk about it." I laid there, afraid to go back asleep after my dream. I watched the sun rise through the window in Phil's room, flooding his room with pale light. At around 8, I decided to get up and make a cup of coffee; I would need it if I expected to actually stay awake today.

As I was turning on the coffee maker, thoughts were racing through my head. Did the dream mean anything? Probably not, as I always had weird dreams like this. I once dreamed that PJ was killed in a train accident. Obviously he's fine. 

I tried to calm myself, but it wasn't working. What would a normal life look like? One that wasn't plagued by hallucinations and voice, one where I was certain of the reality of everything I saw? Your not good enough for Phil is what I heard next. He'd be better off with a normal person. At this point, I just broke into tears trying to replace what I was hearing with Phil's voice. 

"Dan? Oh my God, what's wrong?" Phil ran over to me and wrapped me in a hug. "Why are crying?"

I struggled to get myself under control. "Why are you even with me, Phil?!" I yelled. "Your life would be so much better with a normal person! Why me? I'm just a needy piece of shit who needs someone to comfort me because my brain isn't normal! I hate this! I hate myself for being this way! All I want is to be normal!" 

Phil sighed and pulled back a bit, so his arms were still around me our faces inches apart. He shook his head. "Dan, Dan, Dan. Don't you know that normalness leads to sadness? I wouldn't change anything about you, you are perfect. I love that you're not normal. I've loved that from the moment we met. Do you remember the day when we met?"

I nodded. "Well, that night I went home and tried to talk to every single one of my stuffed animals. I thought you were the coolest person ever. There's a reason why I came and talked to you that day. It wasn't because you looked like one of the 'cool kids' it was because you looked mysterious, different. And I wanted to find out if you really were different." I smiled, recalling the memory...  
sat by myself, as usual, secretly hoping that Phil would come and sit by me again. I looked over to the door of the classroom, and saw Phil come in carrying a large grey stuffed animal except I had no idea what kind of animal it was. It was big, and has what looked like bunny ears. Phil was apparently excited to see me, because he ran over to where I was sitting without taking off his coat.

"Dan! Dan!" Phil ran over, wearing a silver coat with a furry hood. He practically shoved his stuffed animal in my face. "This is Totoro! Can he talk? Tell me if he can talk!" I looked at this Totoro and concentrated for a second. "Nope." I said. "I think only my Pooh bear can talk." Phil looked disappointed, but still grabbed paper and crayons and colored happily.

We talked, me happy at school for the first time. I turned my head and looked at Phil for a bit. Phil saw me looking at him. "What?" He asked. I furrowed my eyebrows. "You look like a spaceman in your coat." We both then started laughing uncontrollably, for no reason other than we were two friends....

I looked at Phil, my face still wet with tears. "Are you sure, Phil? Are you sure that you wouldn't be better off with someone normal?"

Phil took my face in his hands. "Not only would I not better off, I would be miserable because whoever it is, wouldn't be you."


	8. Chapter 8

Time passed, and things got better. Phil and I took a little road trip for my birthday, just to have a little getaway with just the two of us. I wish I could say that the hallucinations stopped, but I don't think that's ever going to happen, no matter how much I want that to happen. Phil was always there, though, to help me through it. 

Phil poked his head in my room. "Dan, I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back in maybe four hours or so. You have any plans?"

I looked up fro my laptop. "Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm going Christmas shopping with Louise today. Love you, have fun." Phil came over and kissed me on the cheek before leaving my room, and I heard the door close. Ten minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I got up, grabbed my keys, phone, and my coat.

I opened the door to see Louise standing there. "Hey, Dan!" She smiled and hugged me. "Ready to go?" I nodded and locked the door, before we braved the cold weather. 

When we got outside, we walked as fast as we could to a shop to get out of the cold. We shopped around for a couple hours, going from store to store, and I found some things I bought. A video game for my little brother, some bath stuff from Lush for my mum, some paint supplies for PJ, and more. But I still couldn't find the right thing for Phil.

"What about this?" Louise held up a Pokemon shirt; she had been trying to help me find something for Phil all day. I shook my head. "I mean, I'm sure he'd love it, but it's not quite what I was looking for."

Louise sighed and put it back. "Do you even have an idea of what you want to get him? What about something personalized. Oh!" She got really excited all of a sudden. "What about one of those personalized photo books?"

I hugged her. "Oh my God, Louise, you're a genius!" Louise ran home with me and helped me pick out some pictures from the two shoe boxes full of photos Phil and I had. We also went through my phone to pick out some more recent pictures of Phil and I. 

We quickly went back out to the store that made those sort of things, handed them the photos I wanted used, printed out the ones from my phone, and picked out the layout and design. I was told to pick it up in two days. When Louise and I left the shop, I was so excited, knowing that I had found the perfect gift for Phil. We parted ways after that. 

When I got home, Phil was sitting on the couch. "Hey, love!" I yelled, running into the lounge. Phil had just stood up to come and greet me, and I tackled Phil in a hug, causing the both of us to fall back on the sofa.

Phil smiled and kissed me on the cheek. "Someone's in a good mood." I nodded, and kissed him. "I got the perfect gift for you! I can't wait to give it to you!" 

Two days later I went to pick up the photo book and flipped through it at the store. "This looks great! Thank you so much!" I said to the man who gave it to me. Then I muttered to myself. "He's going to love it."

The man looked at me. "Yeah, glad you like it! Hope you don't mind me asking, but who's the fellow in the pictures? Your brother?" I shook my head. "My boyfriend. We've known each other since we were kids."

The man smiled at me. "Well, I'm glad that you two are happy. Have a nice day."

I walked home and quickly ran to my room before Phil would see the gift. I wrapped it and put it under the tree and smiled as Phil came over. "Oooh can I gold it?" He asked, trying to pick it up. I smacked his hand away. "No! If you do, you'll probably guess what it is!"

The days until Christmas passed slowly, even though I willed them to pass faster. Finally, on Christmas morning, I ran into Phil's room and jumped on his bed. "PHIL!" I yelled. "Philly wake up, it's Christmas!" 

Phil moaned and opened his eyes. "Dan, how old are you, five?" He joked, but got up and took my hand as we walked into the lounge. I had already made us coffee, and we gave each other our gifts. I got Phil some little things- a shirt, some little anime figurines. Phil insisted on giving me his gift before I gave him mine. 

I opened a large box to see box sets of every anime I watch. I mean, every single anime. I put the box down, and pulled Phil into a tight hug. "Oh my God, Phil. You're the best. I love you so much."

"I'm glad you like it." I grabbed my gift to him and threw into his hands. "I've been waiting to give this to you. I really hope you like it."

Phil ripped open the wrapping paper, and held the book in his hands. "Dan." His eyes got misty, looking at the picture on the front, one taken on the night before he left on holiday with us at the restaurant. He opened it, looking at the all of the memories. He pointed to one of the first photos. "Remember this?" It was of us, aged five, the camera at a weird angle. I was sticking out my tongue, giving Phil bunny ears, and Phil was crossing his eyes, looking like he was trying to push my hand away from behind his head. I remember that day...

I sat outside of my teacher's classroom, sitting on one of those too high off the ground chairs. It was parent-teacher conference night, and I was waiting for my mum to finish talking to my teacher. I slithered off of my chair and stood just by the door, listening to what they were saying.

"Mrs. Howell," I heard my teacher saying. "Dan is doing so well! As you know, he didn't have many friends before, none of the other children would speak to him, until we got a new student, Phil Lester. The two were friends almost immediately! I had never heard Dan even laugh before, but now it's all I can do to get the two boys to stop laughing. Dan just seems so happy!"

I heard my mum speak then. "Dan has seemed happier even at home, telling me all about his new friend. But may I ask, does Phil seem like a good influence? I don't want Dan to get close to someone, only for the boy to be a bully."

I was trying to listen to my teachers response, when I felt hands on my shoulders. "Boo!" I jumped and turned around to see Phil behind me. I hugged him. "Phil! You're here!" We went back over to the chairs outside of the classroom and talked and laughed. "Oh! I have an idea!" I went to my mum's bag, which she had left for me to protect, and pulled out her camera. "Let's take a picture!"

Phil hastily agreed, and I turned the camera around so the lens faced us, and we started making goofy faces and taking pictures. 

"Thank you so much, Mrs.- oh!" My mum walked out just as we were taking one last picture, our laughter uncontrollable. My teacher smiled. "See, what did I tell you? The two can never stop laughing." The teacher went back into her room, chuckling to herself.

Just then, Phil's mum came around the corner, and seeing us with the camera and my mum, she scolded Phil. "Philip, what are you doing?" Phil looked guiltily at his mother. She then looked at my mum. "You must be Dan's mum?" They then talked for a while, while Phil and I smiled at each other. We knew then that we would be friends forever.....

Phil wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. "Thank you so much, Dan. I love this. I love you. Thank you. Now, I will always remember us, and everything we've been through together."


	9. Chapter 9

I was a woken from my sleep by a knock on the door. I groaned and looked at the time: 7:30. I slowly got up so that I wouldn't wake Phil, and walked to the door. Who in the hell is here at 7:30 in the morning? I thought angrily as I opened the door. "What?" I said rather snapily to whoever was there.

I looked up to see our landlord standing at the door. "Sorry to wake you, Daniel. I, um, have some bad news that I wanted to tell you as soon as possible."

I leaned against the door frame. "Yes?" I said warily. 

"Well, you see, some contracting company bought this apartment complex, and are going to tear it down and build something else here. Unfortunately, that means you have to move."

I struggled to process this information. Phil and I had lived here for years; how could we live a place with such sentimental value? "H-how long do we have?"

The landlord looked slightly upset. "Oh, yes, that's the thing. You only have one month. I'm sorry, I just found out last night, and it was late. I told you as soon as I could."

I took a deep breath to control my anger. "Thank you." I then closed the door and went back to my room, where Phil was sleeping still. I gently shook him. "Phil, babe?"

"Mmmhhppphh." Was the only reply I got. I rolled my eyes. "Philly, my lion. Wake up, we need to talk."

Phil half opened his eyes. "Can it wait? I'm tiiiired." He whined. I laughed. "Oh my God, Phil. You're such a kid. And no, it can't wait. It's really important."

Phil sighed and sat up, yawning. "Yes, Dan?" 

"The landlord was just here, and-"

"This early?" Phil interrupted. "God, Dan. What did you do? Set something on fire?"

"Ha ha. He said that some company bought this apartment building, and is tearing it down. And we only have a month to move out and find somewhere else to live."

Phil stared at me. "Well, good thing I look at apartment listings in my spare time." I laughed. "Phil, you spork. You still do that?"

Phil nodded, and asked me to grab his laptop. I went into his room and came and sat back down on my bed. He told me which websites to go to (which he had bookmarked, my silly Philly) and we looked at listings together. We finally settled on five to look at, all in London. 

That afternoon, I called our friends and told them what was happening, then called the apartment owners. We set up times to look at them over the next week.

Louise, PJ, and Chris came along with us to each apartment we looked at, giving advice, different perspectives, helping us find the right one. The last one, though, we knew was it. It was about the same size as our last apartment, at a great price, and closer to our friends. Perfect. 

The next couple weeks were spent weeding through all of our stuff and getting rid of the stuff we never used- which, honestly, we could have done more of, but neither of us wanted to part with anything- and packing everything up. I was sad to leave the apartment; there were so many good. and yes, bad, memories attached to this place. And it was home. 

Phil sensed that I was upset, and pulled me into a hug. "Don't worry, Danosaur." He whispered. "We'll make new memories in our new home."

The rest of the day was spent furnishing our new apartment. We set up the same our old place was, except cleaner. When we were finished, we ordered a pizza, and cuddled on the couch, watching a movie together.

Phil pulled me in for a kiss, and after we shared a long kiss, he pulled away and smiled. "See? I told you we would make new, good memories together."


	10. Chapter 10

I walked into Lisa's office for my weekly appointment the next week with Phil's hand in mine. I still wasn't sure why Lisa didn't want to see Phil as well anymore, but I didn't question it. I mean, Lisa had a freaking PhD., which was more than my shitty attempt at university; I dropped out in the first six months.

Lisa walked into the waiting room. "Dan! Come on in!" She waved. "Hey, Phil!" I got up and followed Lisa into her office. I was really wanting to talk to her, because of how bad things were lately. I had a lot more of the normal hallucinations, but there was one which stood out. Which I had while I was alone, and never told Phil about.

I sat down in the chair I always sat in and watched as Lisa took her seat. "So, Dan, tell me how you're doing."

I sighed. "Not so great. A couple days ago, I had this horrible hallucination. Creatures, terrible creatures, coming at me from all direction." I shuddered at the memory. "I was home alone, Phil wasn't able to help me. He was out all day, and it took hours for me to be okay." I started crying. "I didn't tell Phil. It was awful, and it felt like nothing would end. I was sure I would die." I took the tissue Lisa offered me.

"It just seems like it's getting worse, almost, even with me taking my meds." I continued. "It's not that everything is particularly bad, except for the one, it's just happening more often and I'm scared, Lisa. I know Phil's here for me, but I don't want to be in a constant state of depending on him to pull me back into reality. Because what if he's not? What if he's out one day?"

Lisa nodded, thinking. "Hmmm, well, I think I may put you on some new medication. It may help control it better, I'm not completely sure, so we'll just try it out for a bit and see if it helps." I nodded, and she wrote a prescription and handed it to me. "Here you go, Dan. I hope you have a good day." I thanked her and walked out.

Phil stood up as I walked into the waiting room. "Everything good?" He asked. I nodded. "Yeah, I got a new prescription, though, so we need to stop by the pharmacy."

We walked to the pharmacy, and Phil walked around, finding himself by the bath products, as usual. I walked up to the counter where the pharmacist- who knew me by name- greeted me. "Hey, Dan! Here for a refill?" She asked in a cheery voice.

I smiled. "I actually have a new prescription." I handed her the paper with the prescription. She smiled and typed something in. "Alrighty, we can have that filled in an hour or so if you want to come back." I smiled and thanked her, then dragged Phil away from the bath aisle. He really liked those smelly bath bombs.

We browsed around London for a while, enjoying the perfect weather and the sights of the city as dusk was settling. We walked back to the pharmacy to pick up my meds before returning home. We sat together on the sofa, cuddling and watching our favorite anime together.

I looked over at Phil, how he was so focused on the show, the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, how he stuck out his tongue when he laughed. I couldn't look away, he was just so beautiful. Phil turned his head and saw me looking at him. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

I grinned. "Just beauty." Phil shoved me. "Oh my God, Dan. You're so cheesy." But he pulled me to him and kissed me. "You're my cheesy dork, though."

As the week went on, the medication help a lot. The hallucinations grew less, and things were getting better.

One night, after I had a semi-bad day, Phil came and cuddled with me and I fell asleep. He kissed me on my forehead. "Danosaur?"

I looked at him, almost asleep. "Yeah, Philly?"

"I love you so much. I want you to know that."

"I love you, too, Phil. Of course I know that."

"Good." Phil said, looking upset. "I-I think this may be the last time..." He whispered. But I was asleep before I could ask anything.

I woke up the next morning alone. I looked around for Phil. "Phil?" I said, my voice still groggy. He never, ever left me before I woke up. Maybe he went to use the bathroom, I thought. I got up and saw the bathroom door open. "Phil?" I half shouted.

I checked his room. Not there. The kitchen. Nope. I checked every room in the house. Not there. I checked my phone. No texts, no calls. Nothing. I was scared. Phil would never leave without telling me.

I finally called PJ. I paced as the phone rang. "Peej?" I said when he picked up. "Have you seen Phil, I haven't seen him this morning. He didn't call or text or leave a note, or-" my voice broke. "I'm scared."

PJ promised to call around, and he would get back to me if he heard anything. I paced around the lounge, scared, wanting to know what was happening. Finally, PJ called me back.

"Dan?" He said. "Chris, Louise, and I are coming over. We need to talk."

I tried to relax, but I couldn't. I couldn't sit still; I was so scared. Finally, the doorbell rang, and I waled over to open it to see my friends there. I hugged each of them. "Dan," Louise said, "We need to talk. Let's go and sit on the sofa." We walked into the lounge, and Louise sat on my right, Chris on my left, and PJ on the other side of Louise.

Louise took my hand in hers. "Do you remember three years ago when Phil went on holiday with his family?" I nodded. "Well, do you remember the night when he came home? And we all came by, talking about how we had heard about a plane crash that we thought was Phil's plane?"

I nodded again. "Yeah, and I said there was no way, because Phil was in my room, unpacking and telling me about his trip."

Louise looked like she was having trouble speaking. "Um, well, you see, Phil..." She started crying.

Chris took my other hand. "Dan, Phil died three years ago in that plane crash. You've- you've been hallucinating him for the last three years. He hasn't been real. I'm so sorry."

I sat in shock, looking at him. "B-but he was so real! You're lying! There's no way! I saw him. I heard him. I felt him. There's no way he wasn't real! Everything we did together! It couldn't have been fake!!"

PJ spoke next. "We talked to your psychiatrist, Lisa, about it. About how you still saw him, and she said not to tell you, but allow you time to where you wouldn't see him. We didn't think it would take three years. We think it was the new medication that caused you to stop seeing him. We're so sorry that it went on for so long."

I broke down, and started sobbing. Louise, PJ, and Chris all enveloped me in a hug, while I cried. Confused. Angry. This was worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. They stayed with me for a couple hours, before they had to leave.

When they left, I made my way to Phil's room, put on one of his hoodies, and collapsed on his bed. I sobbed uncontrollably. I cuddled Phil's Totoro stuffed animal. I breathed in what was left of Phil's scent on his duvet.

I then noticed how clean and un-lived in Phil's room looked. How like no one ever stayed in this room. Because no one ever had.


	11. Chapter 11

The next week I spent in crippling misery. I lied on Phil's bed, barely moving. I wouldn't eat- my friends would take turns coming to bring me food every day, and to come and check on me. They tried a couple times to get me up and showered, but I was having none of it. I think they understood, because they never pushed me. They just gave it as a kind, slight, suggestion. 

Finally, after eight days, I got up and grabbed the book of photos I had given Phil- or, the fake Phil, I guess- for Christmas and flipped through the book. On one page, there was a picture of us, age nine, at a park...

We were playing together one cold December afternoon, when school was out for the holidays. I watched as Phil approached with his mum, wearing a new coat. When he bounded over to me, I looked at his coat, which was sliver and shiny. "You look like a space man." I said.

Phil giggled. "Yeah! Hey, I have an idea! Let's play space explorers!" I eagerly nodded, and we ran over to the playground, claiming the fort for ourselves. We climbed to the top, and started poking the wood, pretending like it was the control plant of a space ship.

"Takeoff in 15 seconds!" Phil yelled. "Are you ready, Captain Daniel?"

"I'm ready, Captain Philip! Takeoff in 10," I replied.

"Nine!" Phil and I switched counting numbers down to 1, when we both yelled, "Takeoff!"

We pretended to fly through space, yelling at each other to avoid the "stuff in space"and find a planet to land on. Phil pointed to the right. "What's that planet?"

I squinted. "I think it's Mars. Should we land there, Captain Philip?"

Phil nodded. "Affirmative." We pretended to land, and looked around. I pointed to the other kids, and whispered. "Are those aliens? Do you think they're dangerous?"

Phil laughed. "I think so. Yes, they are probably very dangerous. Let's leave this planet before they attack!" He laughed and laughed to each other the rest of the day in the park, and that night we had a sleepover, and continued our space explorer game...

I started crying again at the memory. Of the time of our innocence. Before things got bad with my schizophrenia, before all of... this. 

I continued flipping through, allowing a small smile at some of the memories. I found one picture taken of me, Phil, PJ and Chris when we were thirteen. I was tall and lanky, acne ridden, and just awkward. Phil was also tall, but a bit less lanky, and his hair was really short. Chris looked almost the same as he does now, just a bit younger looking. And Peej, well Peej has always looked great.

I remember that day; we were all hanging out at Phil's house, and it was the day I came out as gay to everyone. I was so scared, but everyone was so accepting. They all rallied around me, and told me it was okay. Like the good friends they were, and are. 

I remember a couple weeks later, Phil came out as bi. I was so happy, knowing that the little crush I had may stand a chance.

A couple pages later, I broke out in full out sobs. I curled on Phil's bed, shaking with my tears. The photo... it was of the day Phil asked me to be his boyfriend, when we were only 16...

It was a Saturday morning when Phil called me. "Dan? Hey, can I come over today?"

I laughed. "You spork. You never even have to ask, you know that." I remember Phil sounding nervous. 

"Okay, just making sure. I'll be there in like an hour."

We hung up, and I went downstairs, to find my mum. I found her in the kitchen, and I poked my head in. "Mum? Phil's coming over today. He said he's be here in an hour."

Mum smiled at me. "Phil's coming over, huh? Okay; you should probably go and get dressed then." She was acting strangely suspicious...

Finally, when Phil arrived, I heard my mum answer the door, and I jumped up from my bed to go to the door. However, I was surprised. Instead of just Phil standing in a hoodie with his backpack to spend the night, he was holding balloons and a flower.

Phil smiled. "Hey, Dan. Um, so, I've liked you for a while. Really like you. And I was wondering if, um, you would do me the honor of being my boyfriend?"

Tears came to my eyes as I nodded, and accepted the flower and balloons. I hugged Phil tight and said back to him, "I've liked you for a long time, too."...

I flipped through the rest of the book, remembering Phil. His beauty. His laughter. His sweetness. His silliness. His perfection. He was the perfect boyfriend. The perfect best friend. He was everything.

It was weird to think of Phil in past tense. That he was something, that he is no longer. I finally dried my eyes, got up, and showered. I made a small meal. I wore my own clothes for the first time in eight days. I watched a movie. I finally responded to the texts from my friends and family.

And why? Why did I finally do these things? Because when I looked at those pictures, I remembered Phil, the real Phil, and what he would say if he was here. He would tell me to get up and live life. Be upset, yes, but don't let it control me. 

I replace the voices I hear in my head with his voice, just like he taught me when we were 16. And in that moment, I only heard Phil.


	12. Chapter 12

I almost wish it had been raining. The blue skies and sunshine seemed inappropriate for what I was feeling.

Two weeks after I learned about Phil's death, my family and Phil's family came to London so that we could have a small "post-funeral" for me so I could properly say goodbye to Phil. Lisa said it would help with the grieving process.

We all wore black and gathered around Phil's grave. My mum and brother held my hands the entire time, comforting me. I held the flowers Louise and I had bought for Phil's grave; they were blue, like Phil's favorite color. I was so out of it the entire time, all of my energy focused on not breaking down and sobbing in the cemetery.

"Daniel, would you like to say anything?" Phil's dad looked at me. I nodded, tears threatening to fall. I stepped right in front of the grave stone.

"Phil," I began. "You were my best friend. My boyfriend. My everything. I loved you more than life. You were like oxygen to me, I felt like if you ever left me, I wouldn't be able to breath. I wouldn't be able to live. I guess I'm going to have to learn how to breathe without you. It seems impossible, but It'll have to happen." A tear rolled down my cheek, but I swallowed and kept going.

"You kept me tethered to reality, Phil. You were my reality. But you were also my fantasy, for three years. I always depended on you to remind me of what is real, and what isn't. I don't know how to survive without you, but I'll figure it out. I'll never forget you, and I'll never stop loving you. I-I wish I could feel your embrace one more time. I wish I could steal just one more kiss. I just wish I could hear your voice one more time. I wish I could hear you call me your Danosaur one last time."

I laid down the flowers. "I love you, my lion, my Philly. Always and forever."

I turned around and collapsed into my mum's arms, sobbing. My brother and dad, Phil's family, Louise, PJ, and Chris all came and hugged me, comforting me. They asked if I wanted them to come over to the apartment, but I said that I wanted to be alone.

I opened the door to the apartment, and walked in. I went to Phil's room, and changing out of my suit, I changed into some of Phil's clothes. His favorite purple Gengar shirt. His red bomber jacket. 

I made my way into the kitchen to get water, but as I was pulling out a glass, anger overcame me. "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" I screamed, and threw the glass on the ground. It shattered into a hundred pieces on the tile floor. I grabbed another glass, and threw it. "WHY ME?! WHY DID PHIL DIE?!" I continued screaming.

I grabbed plates, glasses, bowls, throwing them and watching them shatter like my heart had. "WHY IS MY BRAIN SO FUCKED UP?!" I slid down the counter where I was standing, so that I was sitting on the ground, my head in my hands, sobbing. "Why can't I just be normal? Why does my brain have to alter reality. Why. Why? WHY?!"

"Dan? Danosaur, come here love." I looked up to see who was talking. 

Phil. Phil was standing in front of me. He was holding his hand out to help me up.

"NO!" I screamed. "GO AWAY. YOU'RE NOT REAL. I DON'T WANT YOU HERE. YOU'RE DEAD!" Phil shook his head and crouched down in front of me, taking my hands in his.

"I know that you know I'm not real. I'm made up in your brain. In your beautiful, and yes, fucked up brain. But Danosaur, I'm always here when you need me the most. When you are at your lowest, I will be here, to help you through." He then looked around the room and chuckled. "But you can't stop breaking all of our plates, bowls, and glasses. Your not rich, you know. You still have to have something to eat off of."

I gave a half-hearted laugh and wiped my tears. "I guess so. Philly, please stay with me."

Phil gave me a sad smile as he stood up. "I'm sorry, Dan. I can't, not forever."

Phil stayed with me as I cleaned up the glass. Then he came and hugged me. "I love you, Dan." He whispered, then I watched him walk away.


	13. Chapter 13

After Phil came to me in my kitchen, I would go to his grave a couple times a week, and talk to him. He would always come and sit by me, listening as I ranted. As I cried. As I told him all of the good and exciting things in my life. People would look at me like I was crazy, but I guess I was. It didn't bother me. 

My mum was telling me I should sell the apartment and get a smaller one, but I kept saying no, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to leave behind the memories there (even if they were with hallucination Phil). In all honesty, though, I just wasn't ready to go through Phil's stuff. Doing that would mean packing it up and putting it in storage with all of the other things from our childhood we had saved. It would mean getting rid of some things. I just wasn't ready, but I talked to Phil about it. 

"Well," Phil said. "What do you think? Do you think you should sell it?" 

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe? But I don't think I can go through your things yet, Phil. Not without another meltdown. Not without having no glasses to drink out of." I smiled a bit at the last statement.

Phil smiled and nodded. "Then don't. You'll be ready one day."

Our conversations were similar to this. Sometimes Phil wouldn't come, and I would be alone, talking to myself- well, I suppose I was always talking to myself, considering the fact that Phil wasn't real. Sometimes I forgot that, and days when I didn't see Phil reminded me of that.

Those days were the worst.

One of the worst things about losing Phil was when I would have hallucinations. I had no Phil to pull me back to reality- I had to do it on my own, unless someone was with me that day. I never thought I would be able to live without Phil, but I guess I was able to.

It wasn't easy.

It wasn't what I wanted.

But I survived.

Sometimes I would fall into an overwhelming sadness, and I wouldn't leave the apartment for days. I would just sit in Phil's room and cry. I would look at pictures of us, and open up Phil's cologne and smell it. I would wear his clothes. I would watch his favorite movies and read his favorite books.

But then I would dry my eyes, put on my own clothes, and go about my life again.

I went to see Lisa every week, and she did her best to help me. She suggested a couple times that I go stay in a "mental health facility," so I wouldn't be alone. I always said no, I wasn't that bad that I couldn't live on my own. 

One day, things changed, for the better.

I was in Starbucks, ordering- surprise- Phil's favorite drink, because I had never tried it, and I was on my way home from visiting him. I was just sitting down in what was our favorite spot, with the comfy chairs and table right next to the window, when I heard a voice behind me. 

"Excuse me, I think you grabbed my coffee by accident."

I turned around to see a very handsome stranger smiling at me. He had dark green eyes, and dark red hair. He also had a lovely Russian accent.

I checked my cup, and to my embarrassment I saw "Peter" written on the cup. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry, I didn't check the cup before I took it." I handed it back to him. 

Peter smiled and accepted the cup. "Thank you. And I believe this is yours? It came out the same time as mine." He handed me my coffee. "So, do you mind if I sit with you, or are you here with someone?"

I shrugged. "If you want to. I'm here by myself."

Peter thanked me and sat in the chair across from mine. 

"So, your name's Dan?" Peter asked, sipping his coffee.

I nodded.

"So, Dan. What's your favorite movie?"

And that's how our conversation started. We found out that we had a lot in common. He was someone I wanted to be friends with. We exchanged numbers, and I went home. 

Peter texted me later that day, and we began to text non stop. He hung out a couple times. I introduced him to Louise, PJ, and Chris, and they all clicked, which was good. I don't what I would have done if they didn't all get along.

One day Peter asked if he could come over to the apartment to watch movies, because he had never seen it.

I said yes.

Just before Peter came over, I went into Phil's room. "I'm not replacing you, I promise, Phil. I never could." I whispered before closing the door. The doorbell rang a minute later, and I went to answer it and greeted Peter.

"So, do I get a tour?" He asked after he had walked in. I smiled and said of course he did, and then showed him around. When I showed him my room, I said nothing about Phil's room, which was across the hall from my own.

I was leading Peter to the kitchen when he place his hand on my shoulder. "Dan? What's this room?" He asked pointing to Phil's room. My heart started beating faster. I never told Peter about Phil. Or about me being schizophrenic. 

I started crying, and Peter immediately came and gave me a hug. "Are you okay, Dan? Dan, I'm sorry. It's doesn't matter, I don't have to know." I shook my head.

"You should know. You are one of my closest friends, after all."

I led Peter to the couch in the lounge, and I began.

I told him everything.

About how Phil and I met in kindergarten.

About my first hallucination. 

About how Phil and I got together.

Then about when Phil went on holiday.

And how I got put on stronger meds.

Then about how I stopped seeing Phil, and that he had died.

I told him that I went to Phil's grave and talked to him, and that I still see him.

At the end of my story, Peter was crying. "I'm so sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry."

Then he looked up at me. "You're gay?"

I nodded.

"Me too. I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you to think I was hitting on you. It's happened to me before."

I laughed. "That's why I didn't say anything, either."

Peter took my hand. "How long has it been since you found out about Phil's, um, passing?"

I looked at our hands. "Eight months."

Peter hugged me. "I'm so sorry."

We watched a movie, and then he went home.

Two months after this incident, Peter called me. "Dan, I would understand if you're not ready, but I was wondering, if, um, you would like to maybe go on a date sometime?"

I smiled. "I would like that."

I went to Phil's grave that day, and told Phil about it. 

"I-I think I found someone, Phil."

Phil smiled and took my hand. "Tell me about him."

I told Phil all about Peter, even though Phil already knew about Peter.

When I finished, Phil smiled at me. "You know what I think the real me would say?"

"What?"

"You should live. Love. And I think he sounds like a great guy."

"No one could replace you, Phil. I don't want to you to think that. I'll always love you."

"I know, Dan. I know. I love you, too, Danosaur. Always."

"I won't forget you, ever."

"I know."

That was the last time I saw Phil.


	14. Epilogue

The first date with Peter was a success. After a couple of dates, we became boyfriends. He was always so supportive. Loving. Fun. He wasn't Phil, he could never replace Phil, but he was Peter. And I loved Peter.

There were days when I would cry because I missed Phil, and on those days, Peter would hold me close, and tell me he loved me. Peter never tried to be Phil, and I appreciated that. 

Peter always helped me through the hallucinations. Brought me back, like Phil. 

Eventually we decided to move in together. Peter helped me pack up the apartment, but when he offered to help me with Phil's room, I said I wanted to do it alone. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I sent some things to Phil's family, I got rid of some, and I kept some in storage. I kept the picture book with me, always.

Peter and I eventually got married, and we moved just outside of London, to a nice house. We adopted four kids; three boys and a daughter. Peter let me name two of the babies. When I was trying to decide a name, he said something that surprised me.

"You can name him Phil, love."

So I did.

Philip Michael, he was our oldest. My poor son, when he was young he didn't understand why I would sometimes cry when I called his name.Just like his namesake, he was creative. He was a funny and outgoing kid, and our little musician; he played six instruments and sang. He started playing little gigs around London, and was discovered by a representative of a big name label. He went on to become a professional musician.

Our next child was Daniel Alexander, who Peter gave my first name, and his middle name. Dan was our athlete. He was quite popular in high school, being the school's best football player. He went to university on a football scholarship, and majored in business. He kept good grades, and continued to be a top footballer. He went on to play for Manchester.

Our third child was Peter James, who I names with Peter's name and my middle name. Petey, as we called him, was our brainiac. He was about as introverted as could be, always focused on his school work, doing more than his best. We often had to tell him to slow down and take time to himself, not to work too hard. He was also gay, like his fathers. Peter did exceptionally well in math and science, and ended up becoming a doctor.

Our youngest was our only daughter, Kayla Louise. Our dear girl, raised in a family of all boys. she was such a tough girl, but Louise's daughter Darcy was like a sister to her. Kayla was the enthusiastic "fangirl" of the family, always obsessed with books, movies, tv shows, and video games. She was also our only child who liked anime, so our father daughter days were often spent watching anime together. Kayla, who spent all of her time writing fan fiction, went on to be an author. 

Peter and I remained close friends with Louise, Chris, and PJ.

Our kids grew up together.

I had a wonderful life with my husband and family. We were so close, and I love them more than anything.

Some days I would imagine what my life would be like with Phil, but then I remind myself of the good things I have.

And I do so now, at 86 years old, as I lay in the hospital, my life nearly at it's end, I remember all of the good things. I remember all of the good times I had when I was young, and the good things I have had. 

I hold my husband's hand, and look at the people around me. My children, and their spouses. My grandchildren. The people I love the most. Kayla's two year old daughter, Lily, comes up and kisses my hand. "I love you, grandpa." 

I smile at her, and say weakly. "Love you, too, Lil."

After a couple minutes, it's just me and Peter. I gaze into his eyes, and smile. "I love you, Peter. Thank you for being a wonderful husband."

Peter smiles back at me. "I love you, too, Dan. I'm sorry I was never Phil, but I love you."

"No, you're not Phil. But you're Peter, and I love Peter."

Everyone else comes back into the room, and I take one last look at my beautiful family.

Then I close my eyes.

For the last time.

The next time I am aware of anything, I'm still lying down, my eyes still closed. It feels like I'm laying in... grass? It's warm, and I feel a breeze. And I feel, well, young. I stretch out. Yes, definitely young. When I open my eyes, I see one of my favorite things.

Blue eyes.

Phil's blue eyes. 

"Hello, Danosaur."


End file.
